A New Beginning

Dinner at home

New husband, new surname, new house, new church, new pets, new email address and new Etsy shop...  I have decided that it’s about time for my blog to do the same! =) 

I’ve disappeared from facebook and blogging for a month now. I have to admit, I had been feeling pretty depressed half the month in February, so much so that I couldn’t express myself online without wanting to swear all the time or publicly humiliating myself.

So, why the grey clouds?

Birthday cake

I thought being rejected on a job trial twice was pretty bad, but then a week later, I turned 25...

I’ve heard people say that when you turn 25, something clicked in your brain. You stop learning as easily, your talent stops there. That’s it, your chances are all gone. Dunno if that statement is true or not, but I got depressed, so I guess it DID clicked! When I was 18, I couldn’t even picture myself being this old. I thought by 25 I’d be a super woman, influential, a high achiever, yadayada... everything else besides being unemployed, and married (not that being married is a bad thing of course) I was very disappointed at what I've made of myself in this age to a point where I felt that I don’t deserve being alive.

But you know what? Being sad doesn’t have to be all grey and gross. It can be graceful and made me do the things that I wouldn’t otherwise. Like listening to Sinatra out loud whilst curling under my table and cry. Or slouch on a beanbag watching an episode of Glee- got too sad to move so I just end up watching the whole DVD... and then cry again.

Hm... now that I think about it, it’s still pretty depressing.... You know, graceful sadness??? Ok, just to prove my point I’m going to create a sad themed treasury on Etsy...

"Beautiful Sadness" 

http://www.etsy.com/treasury/4d78eb4b1b2f8eef2604cac7/beautiful-sadness?ref=pr_treasury

What do you reckon...? 

To get out of this mess I tried changing my mindset this way:
Jesus died for me. I’m saved. There is nothing, absolutely nothing that I can do in this world to make Him love me more. This feeling of ‘not being good enough’ is my worldly human nature taking over me.

The day that I started feeling better was when my band and I pulled off a 4 hour gig at a tea house called “Adore Tea”.  It was our band’s second gig and already we have to cover 4 set list- and we pulled it off without repeating any of our songs!!! I still can’t believe it.  It is also the same tea house which offered me a job trial but rejected me in the end. It feels good to be sipping free tea during intervals and play music while they were running around serving me- made me feel glad I don’t work there. Straight after the gig, I went to church for our first music rehearsal ever. They thought I’m amazing just because I can read music. Their appreciation is making me feel alive. That day I really felt like I belong behind the piano more than just washing dishes at "Adore Tea"... even though I love tea to death.  

The gig 

So God, Greg and I have decided... we’re going to be poor for awhile while I work on my handmade business full time. It’s pretty scary since I’ve never been financially tight before in my life. I also kindda feel like I’m dragging Greg down with me. But at the same time, this is SO super exciting! I get the chance to contantly look for me, and be me. I’ve conversed this idea with dad in Heaven, and the signs had been positive. The only time when it hasn’t been positive is when I doubt myself.

So with all that positive thoughts, here’s a note to the worldly part of me- and I wish I would print this off a thousand time and eat it so it is embedded permanently in my brain: 

“I am saved, I am loved, I am special and I am unique. The world can think of me however they want because there is nothing that I can do to make Him love me more.  I'm going to launch my business because I've prayed, and the signs have been positive, and He is going to walk with me through this! So bring it on world!”

AMEN!